Chapter 3.11 – Into the Fire

It had been six weeks since my date at the park with Luc, and things were going strong. Emily’s birthday had come and gone, Flynn was home from boarding school for good, and I was expecting a visit any moment now from Mandy Best, now Mandy Hunter, whom I hadn’t seen since her wedding to my cousin Ethan.

The doorbell sounded suddenly, and I practically ran to answer it. There, on the threshold, stood my old best friend.

“Mandy!” I yelled excitedly, all decorum forgotten as I threw myself into her arms. She laughed and hugged me back tightly.

“It’s good to see you too, Di!”

The two of us made our way through the house to a back room, where we closed the door for privacy and seated ourselves on the nearest sofa to catch up.

“So,” said Mandy. “What’s been going on with you? How’s things between you and Luc?”

I couldn’t help but blush, remembering recent events. Mandy, ever perceptive, picked up on it immediately and gasped. “Did you…?” she demanded.

“What?”

She giggled like an overexcited schoolgirl. “You two slept together, right?”

“N-No, I… well… yes,” I admitted, flushing scarlet. She gave a little shriek and jumped to her feet, clapping her hands.

“Ha ha, yesss! I’m so happy for you guys!!”

“Mandy, calm down…” I said hastily, worried that my family would hear her and think something was wrong. “It’s really not a big deal.”

She ignored me. “So?” she prompted. “How was it?”

I could literally feel the heat radiating from my face. “That’s none of your business!”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. What are best friends for? I’ll tell you all about my honeymoon,” she added with a wink.

“No, thank you,” I said firmly.

“Aww, come on, Di!”

“No.” I cast around for a topic to distract her. “But you can tell me how things are between you and Ethan. How’s marriage treating you?”

She scowled at my refusal to give in to her prying, but let it go with a sigh. “Pretty well, actually,” she said, smiling. “Everyone was warning me about the ups and downs and so on, but so far it’s only been ups. You know, Ethan’s a pretty quiet guy, so it’s hard not to get along with him really.” I snorted, thinking of the contrast between that and my own relationship, which seemed to be nothing but ups and downs.

“What’s so funny?” Mandy asked curiously, sinking back onto the couch beside me.

“Nothing,” I said. “I just… can’t really relate.” I sighed. It wasn’t exactly my ideal state of affairs.

Mandy nodded. “I believe you,” she said emphatically. “You two used to make sparks fly whenever you got together.” She giggled. “The chemistry was unbelievable.”

I rolled my eyes at her, smiling. But a sudden sickening lurch in my stomach had me on my feet a second later, one hand clapped to my mouth, the other clutching my abdomen.

“I’ll be right back,” I muttered hurriedly, sprinting to the bathroom in the next room and dropping quickly to my knees in front of the toilet. Heaving and panting, I spent the next several minutes emptying the contents of my stomach into the bowl.

When I had choked out what seemed to be the last of it, I washed my hands and wiped my mouth with a tissue before heading back to where Mandy waited, looking concerned.

“Are you okay, Di?” she asked worriedly.

“Fine,” I said. “Sorry, I think I might have some kind of bug. It’s not the first time that’s happened.”

Mandy just stared at me, looking thoughtful.

“Di…” she said slowly. “How long have you been sleeping with Luc?”

I frowned. “Mandy, I told you I wasn’t going to talk about-“

“Please,” she cut me off. “Just humour me for a bit.”

I sighed. “About six weeks, why?”

“And in that time, have you, um…”

I suddenly understood what she was asking, and almost said “Of course!”, but something stopped me. Thinking about it, I wasn’t so sure. In fact… I was at least two weeks overdue already. But surely, that didn’t mean…

“Di?”

I looked up at her with wide eyes, shaking my head. “I can’t be,” I whispered.

Mandy looked sympathetic. “Is it a possibility, though?” she asked gently.

I shook my head firmly. “No. I mean, yes, but no. It’s impossible. I can’t be pregnant. I’m going back to university in a few more months. We haven’t even been sleeping together that long! I can’t be!” My voice was desperate now. I felt like crying. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be. Mandy leaned forward and drew me into a sympathetic hug.

“It’s going to be okay,” she murmured, rubbing my back soothingly. “It’ll be fine, I promise.” I didn’t see how that could possibly be the case if I really was pregnant, but I allowed her to comfort me all the same.

I felt slightly better by the time she let go a few minutes later, but Mandy still looked serious. “I think you should take a test,” she said. “Just to be sure. I could come with you to buy one, if you like? Or Luc, you could call and ask him to come over?”

I shook my head. “I want to do it alone.” And it had to be now. I couldn’t spend any longer not knowing what was going on. Mandy nodded understandingly.

“Okay, well, you have my number, right? Call me when you know what’s what,” she said.

I nodded, already feeling around in my pocket for my keys. “Thanks, Mandy.”

She smiled and gave me a last reassuring squeeze before leaving. The moment her car was out of sight, I jumped into my own and sped towards the nearest pharmacy. My mind was a blur – I grabbed the first test I saw, I paid, I raced home – and ten minutes later, I stood with a sinking heart, watching the small blue line fade into view that confirmed what, deep down, I had known already.

I was pregnant, with Luc’s child. What the hell was I going to do?

***

The next two weeks I spent hiding at home, watching TV with Flynn and eating whatever took my fancy, trying not to think about anything and pretending that everything was still just the way it had been a month ago. Soon, I would go back to university, complete my Communications degree, and return to Starlight Shores fully equipped for the political career I had always dreamed of. Everything was going according to plan.

After the initial shock wore off, I was able to convince myself there was no way I was really pregnant. Mandy, the test, it was all just a bad dream. Never mind the nausea, the cravings, the slight swelling of my belly… none of it was so far out of the ordinary. False positives were a thing, right? Even false pregnancy symptoms? Nothing to worry about in the long term. I had plans for my life, and I would not allow something like this to derail them, not in a million years.

Luc called a few times, and I became very good at making up excuses. I was happy to talk on the phone, but I was too busy to go out. I wasn’t feeling well, I had work to do, I had to take Flynn to the doctor, my parents were out of town and I had to stay home with the cat, I was studying in preparation for the new semester at university… the list went on and on. But I couldn’t afford to meet up in person. Luc always saw right through me, and I couldn’t deal with his honesty right now. Not when I was trying so hard to bury my head in the sand as deep as it would go.

Eventually, as the weeks stretched into months, his calls became less frequent, but every time he called now, he sounded increasingly worried. Soon, I took to turning off my phone for most of the day so I didn’t have to take his calls. I told Luc that it was getting old and kept running out of battery power, and my charger was nowhere to be found. I could tell he didn’t believe me, but as long as he stayed away, I didn’t care.

As time went on, however, the truth became harder and harder to ignore. My family began to make comments, and soon even I was struggling to find ways to rationally dismiss it. But knowing the truth of the situation didn’t change the way I felt about it, or make it any easier to cope with.

I allowed my parents to help out so they wouldn’t worry, but still refused to see Luc, in spite of the fact that I was frankly miserable without him. But this was his fault, I told myself. I was spiralling, my life was in pieces, my body felt like a warzone, and it was all his fault.

He didn’t just call, of course. He came to the house a few times to talk to me in person, no doubt trying to understand why I was avoiding him. I heard him pounding on the door, calling my name, and my heart twisted painfully hearing the desperation in his voice. But still, I couldn’t bring myself to confront him.

Instead, I pleaded with Dad to lie to him, tell him that I was asleep, or out, or anything to get him to go away. Dad agreed readily enough, since he was feeling pretty upset with Luc himself. In his mind, Luc had gotten me pregnant and then abandoned me, breaking my heart and causing me to sink into a depressive slump for weeks on end before he had bothered to turn up in my life again. Though I knew that this was unfair, I couldn’t afford to correct him – I had ignored Luc and pushed him away for so long, I couldn’t bear to think what he must think of me or what he might say if I saw him again, and Dad was the only thing currently stopping that from happening.

The fateful day eventually came, however, when Dad wasn’t around to protect me. He was at work, Emily was God-knew-where, and Mum was at the lake with Flynn, teaching him to fish. I was relaxing on the couch in the entrance hall when I heard a knock on the door. I stood up quickly and glanced out the window, hoping against hope that it wasn’t Luc.

It was. I didn’t have time to hide. The moment I stood up to look out the window, our eyes locked, and his face lit up with a strange mix of joy, relief, anger and hurt… Realising I had no choice, and trying not to think about what Luc would say or do once he saw me, I took a deep breath, walked to the door and opened it.

The moment the opening was wide enough, Luc squeezed through and slipped past me into the house, as though afraid that I was going to shut the door again in his face. With shaking hands, I closed it, then turned to face him. “Luc… I can explain.”

He frowned. “I sure hope so. What the hell is going on with you, Di? Why are you avoiding me? Lying to me? Refusing to even talk to me?!” The pain in his voice broke my heart. “I don’t understand, was it something I…”

Luc’s voice died as his eyes finally landed on my stomach. There was no way to miss it, and no way it could be mistaken for anything other than what it was. His mouth opened, but no sound came out.

The silence was deafening.

Several moments passed before Luc managed to regain his power of speech. “Diana…” he croaked, his voice hoarse. “Are you…?”

“I can explain,” I whispered, again. I tried to meet his gaze, but he was refusing to look me in the eye. A confused series of emotions was flitting across his face. Fear… bewilderment… sorrow… happiness… confusion… betrayal?

“It…” Luc swallowed uncomfortably. “It is… mine… isn’t it?”

I stared at him in disbelief. How could he possibly believe otherwise? “Of course it’s yours!” I said, offended. I could feel anger bubbling up inside me at the insinuation. “Don’t you trust me at all?”

“Well, it’s not like you’ve given me much reason to lately, have you?” he snapped. “What did you expect me to think?”

I couldn’t believe him. “Hold up,” I said. “You think I’ve been avoiding you… because I slept with someone else?”

“Well, did you?”

His question was like a stab through the heart. I felt tears well up in my eyes almost instantly and start to spill down my cheeks. Damn pregnancy hormones.

“Of course not!” I almost shouted. “How could you even think that?”

“Well, like I said-“

“Is that how little you think of me? Luc, I haven’t even been out of the house in months! I was struggling, I was afraid to tell you, afraid of how you’d react – that’s why I was avoiding you – and then you respond by accusing me of cheating!” I was furious now. “I didn’t plan for this to happen, okay? You knew how much my dreams meant to me, how much you meant to me! I thought…” I was finding it difficult to speak. I kept choking on my own sobs. “I can’t believe you would do this, any of this.”

I paused, breathing deeply, trying to keep my temper under control. I didn’t want it to be like this, fighting all the time. More than anything, I just wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me he was sorry and that everything was going to be okay.

But he wasn’t doing any of that. Here I was, carrying his child, and here he was, accusing me of being unfaithful. Clearly, he didn’t know me – didn’t trust me – at all. I meant nothing to him. Chest tight with emotion, I forced myself to speak calmly and made sure to look into his eyes as I spoke. “I don’t want to see you here again.”

Luc’s face turned pale. “Di-” he gasped.

“JUST GO!!” I screamed.

He went. Without another word.

But I would never forget the look on his face as he turned, or the suffocating pain in my heart as I watched him leave for the last time.

***

The weeks that followed were the most miserable I had ever had to endure. I had lost the love of my life, and I was inconsolable.

I had regretted it the moment I saw him walk out the door. Why hadn’t I called out to him? Run to him, apologised, begged him not to leave? Perhaps, if I had… well, it was too late now. I knew Luc well enough to know he would respect my decision, and once I told him it was over, it was over.

But that didn’t stop it hurting like hell every waking second. It didn’t stop me replaying the scene over and over in my head, torturing myself endlessly for hours at a time. And it didn’t stop me wandering around aimlessly at all hours of the day and night, too agonised to sleep, too exhausted to do anything else, unable to think of anything but him. His eyes… his laugh… his voice… his smile… his breath on my ear… his lips against mine… his arms around me, squeezing me tight, making me feel like nothing and no one could ever hurt me as long as I was with him. Gone… All of it, gone. I would never see him again.

And I was having his child.

I was lying on the couch in my parents’ room one stormy afternoon, staring dully at the ceiling, when there was a soft knock on the door and Mum entered the room. I got up to greet her, slowly, and with some difficulty. I had seen the growing worry in her face every time she looked at me over the previous weeks, but couldn’t bring myself to care. I didn’t care about anything much anymore. So I didn’t bother to say anything, knowing she was just going to try and coax me into eating something, or going outside, or calling Mandy or Luc. Until she spoke.

“Diana, honey,” she said softly. “There’s someone downstairs to see you.”

I stared at her. Something in her tone seemed to suggest that there was a significance to this particular visitor… But there was only one thing I found significant at the moment, and she knew that perfectly well. And it wasn’t… it couldn’t be… him.

“It’s not…” I whispered.

She nodded silently, smiling.

“That’s impossible,” I told her, not daring to believe it. “We broke up. He doesn’t want to see me.”

“You’ll have to tell him that yourself, then, because he’s refusing to leave until he does.” She smiled, but then her expression grew serious, and she reached out to rest a gentle hand on my shoulder while she looked kindly into my eyes – her eyes.

“Di, baby, that man is crazy about you. Everyone can see it. And we both know there’s nothing in this world that means more to you than he does.” She leaned forward to kiss me on the cheek. “The poor boy looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, it doesn’t take a genius to guess what’s behind it.”

Was it possible? There was only one way to find out. I managed to smile gratefully through my tears. “Thanks, Mum,” I whispered, and I meant it.

Never had a walk been so painfully long as that from my parents’ bedroom to the front door. My entire body was shaking, and I could hear my heart pounding in my ears the whole way. My sweaty hands slipped on the railing as I stumbled down the stairs, and out of the corner of my eye I could see a familiar figure standing in the hall below.

I paused where I was on the staircase and looked down. My eyes met his, and my heart immediately started thumping against my ribcage so powerfully that I thought it would burst out of my chest. He wasn’t smiling, but he had that look in his eyes – the look he only ever had when he looked at me.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. The world stood still. A single word fell from my trembling lips, a word that meant everything to me, and more.

“Luc...”